It was like a terrible hangover. My head was pounding up and
down like Yasmeen Bleeth’s bosoms in Baywatch. I woke up and a strident voice
told me that I was on my way to hell. It was hard to believe. While I was
terrifyingly watching all the horrible pictures of demons with curved tails and
pointed teeth, I was stopped by what looked like customs clearance department
which had a banner ‘’And you thought going to school was a pain!’’ displayed on
the top. A skeleton wearing a robe scrupulously skimmed over a hefty book for
my name- page by page, which took around half a day. I was standing still the
whole time and got quite convinced I was actually in Hell by then. After finding my name in the list the
skeleton exhibited a sigh of relief, coupled with a look of derision that
featured smoldering blaze coming out of his nostrils. He then signaled the
other skeleton wearing a black robe to frisk me for drugs or lethal weapons.
You see, it is a common belief that people are naked in
Hell. But it is a myth. You retain the clothes that you last wore when you were
on Earth. My commiserations for Arab people considering it is already hot and
their cover-all-parts-of-body-with-clothes look outright dumb in here (unless
they die while…you know!). The humidity
is the first thing you would notice after reaching here- It is effin’ hot! You
were taking the pleasure of using phrases like ‘my ass is on fire’ so often in
Earth that you literally feel it here. Seriously, you could sense the fire
coming out of yours’ whose length and density is proportionate to the
cumulative word length of all the abusive words that you’ve uttered in life. Mine
went twelve miles long.
The food is surprisingly good in here. There is one
disadvantage though. All are poisoned. Thank God the amount of poison in food
doesn’t depend on the level of your affinity with abusive language (or sex
addiction for that matter). Just as in
Earth, the most painful part in here is to stand in queues. It is not just a
straight queue. You stand in line for hours, and then the line splits into two.
It further bifurcates into two and joins the main queue again putting your
peripatetic peregrination into an infinite regression. The telemarketers,
inventory stock counters, and call center executives are exempt of this
terrible activity since they’ve aced doing the same thing over and over again
on Earth that they might probably expect a pecuniary reward for doing it again.
The same applies to rap singers who create songs with same tunes and perform it
till they go out of breath and die. These people are put in Serpent Inc (a
company listed in Inferno Stock Exchange) where they are required to come up
with innovative methods to torture people. Long hours, stressful job, and no
time to enjoy the complementary venemous beer that they provide. No good, I
tell you.
Coming to the menial
exertion that is inflicted upon you in a loop-format, it would all seem crazy
at first. I tried to ask a demon about it once and ended up in a solitary room
with endless videos of Lady Gaga songs. Trust me, it was much horrible. There
is one thing you could do to avoid boredom while standing in the line though.
There are stones available for you to throw at people. Make use of the stones
but beware you need to pop out at least one person’s eye for every stone you
pick. If you miss, the demons will confine you to that Lady Gaga room for one
whole week. Personally, I’d never take a chance.
So after two weeks, I was out of this ordeal and times still
produced an unbearable ennui. I decided to look out for a job. I had a lot of
relatives in Hell so it was easy for me to utilize the connection and get a job
with a demon named Adolf Toothpicker. The job description was to pluck people’s
teeth. Well it was more of an internship so I ended up providing different
sized spanner wrenches to Adolf while he performed the plucking flawlessly. Fellas,
it will seem as a good job and at first it is all very interesting but you
reach a stage when you think ‘’is this why I came to hell?’’ As soon as I
reached that stage, I quit the internship but too bad there was a service level
agreement that I’d broken so I was taken to the boss of all demons, allegedly
called ‘the Satan’. He looked shorter than I’d imagined but he was certainly
fierce. He stared at me for almost an hour and I kept avoiding his eyehole
somehow in utter fear. Then I decided to play it cool and thought ‘Hey Satan,
watsup?’ would be a perfect ice-breaker. It wasn’t. Never play it cool with
Satan else you will be tormented in such atrocious ways that you will start
forgetting the pain and start wondering about the awe-inspiring methods that
they’ve come up with. Perhaps these are the output of Serpent Inc (good job
they are doing, strongly a buy signal). After sometime you get tired of
explaining you’ve already been castrated, the chainsaw is too big for your
weenie, yours nostrils are too small for that big a nail even with that hammer.
Finally they’d let you go if you skillfully perform a special kind of ‘job’ for
the demons, the nature of which I am not allowed to say because those are trade
secrets. I was so adroit that I was out in a month while it normally took
twenty years for others. More importantly, I am in bliss that I’m out of
Satan’s wrath and in the hands of demons with a much lesser degree of
diabolism.
Okay people, I better get some rest now. Tomorrow I’m applying for an internship at a
construction company. It is rumored that a big wall is going to be built for
crucifying people who have written ‘super like’ as comments in addition to
‘liking’ the status in Facebook. Fingers-crossed, I’m very excited. See you
soon.
P.S. I heard people in Heaven don’t even have internet let
alone BlogSpot or Twitter. #EpicFail. LOL at them for living life in a moral,
ascetic way and end up like this.
P.P.S. I also heard it is a New Year day in two days on Earth. Good luck
with things people. *goes to sleep on a boiling pan*
