After all, I'm just God!

Hello people. Regardless of the fact that a faction of you on Earth think you are too intellectual to believe in me, I do exist. But here is my problem with being God- it’s terrible.

Where do I begin? I never had a normal and happy childhood. It all started when I learnt how to talk. I had to recite slokas that was, as Wikipedia puts it here, known for its brevity, depth and verbal complexity. Talk a look at this one for instance-

na nonanunno nunnono nānā nānānanā nanu ।
                          nunno'nunno nanunneno nānenā nunnanunnanut ॥

How can I possibly memorize complicated things like these when I’m just 2 days old? The lack of options forced me to do it anyway. And so, time passed by and along with the swollen tongue, I was further burdened with responsibilities that came in gargantuan amounts which served to be an impetus when I was learning how to walk. To make matters worse, the kids here at Indraloka are just too mean. Your own parents, brothers and sisters can act like complete douche bags sometimes. You can’t even fancy eating a ripe mango gifted by a music legend without embarking upon your arduous journey to complete a fatuous task such as gyrating the earth and in the end looking like an idiot to hear that your brother had circled your ‘parents’ and demonstrated an equivalency (how is that any fair, I don’t understand!). Anyway life went on and I grew up listening to real-life based stories about how our Godfather avatar-ed himself as ‘half lion- half man’ and used imaginative trickery to kill an immortal king, and how one calm chap fought an entire army to rescue his wife with the help of his angry brother, how God created Earth in just six days because he had infinite powers and rested on the seventh day because he was tired, and how a fierce looking lady with blood-painted tongue often showcased stupendous martial arts display that provided the inspirational fodder for the movie Kill Bill. All these stories taught us in understanding what is right, and what is wrong.

As I grew up, we had to take up lessons at school on how to face tough situations and slay down Satan and his throng of asuras. I tell you man, these asuras are very clever. You can see here how they have come up with atrocious and awe-inspiring ways to anguish people. Very creative, they are. So we were fiercely trained to deal with any tortuous circumstance that we could face in life. My final exam had a task where I had to travel to a virtually created forest and rescue virtually created people captured by asuras and rotting to death. So I began the test and I started my journey. I was invited to a dinner party on the way by the forest dwellers who were kind enough to dish up awesome food for me. I munched on it and gobbled the delicious ice-cream that they served in the end. But the forest dwellers turned out to be asuras themselves and the ice-cream that I’d eaten was one of the asuras who had transformed himself into well, ice cream. So he tore my stomach and came out putting me in ICU for one whole month. Exam Result: An epic fail. If at all I’d read this lesson carefully, I could’ve uncovered this as a deceit and avoided this mess.

When I had grown up to be mature, I started pondering about the meaning of life like many pretentious philosophers do on Earth. I also pondered about life of homo-sapiens, and asked my dad what is the whole point of letting people suffer when we have complete control over them. My dad replied, “Son, we can’t just interfere in someone else’s life. We have to give a chance for them to experience both good and bad and transform themselves into purer souls”. That was an absolute crap of a response. Seriously, what the hell dad?

The most painful part for me is to sit down on my throne and listen to people’s prayers. My holiness, how ridiculous they are! There are different types of prayers that I get. Some are very demanding like, “God, give me patience…like…RIGHT NOW!!’ and some are curtailed like this one- “God, please help me to finish everything I sa…” These are dull ones that numb me to death but the ones from the kids are the most interesting and they make my day. Here are some of the best that I've got till date-

"Dear God, thank You for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy."

                -Mukesh Ambani, as a 2 year old.

“Dear God, I heard the moon was made of Pizza. Tonight half of it is missing. Did you get hungry?"

                -Joey from Friends, yesterday! 

"Dear God, it must be super hard to love all the people in the world, especially my brother. I don't know how You do it."

                -Anil Ambani, as a 3 year old.

"Dear God, did you mean for Morgan Freeman to look like that or was it an accident?"

                -Every kid at various points of time.

Some people give me compliments:

"Dear God, I didn't think red pants went with orange shirt until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool."

                -Director of Thirupachi, before casting actor Vijay.

I always listen meticulously to prayers like these and answer them if necessary, but some of the prayers like, “God, help the Tamilians in Sri Lanka”, and “God, help the rapists get hanged” gets unnoticed since I get busy blessing people who sneeze. It’s not my fault, you know. I have to prioritize things.

Despite being God is a laborious undertaking, deep down inside, I feel empowered to do it. Deep down inside, I feel like taking control of people’s lives and nurture them. If it weren’t for Gods like us, there would be terrible things happening to dear Earth. There would be evil widespread in the form of terrorism, child labour, poverty, and sexual harassment. There would be unfairness that facilitates criminals walking scot-free and common men in thirst of justice. There would be natural disasters in the form of colossal ocean waves, sweeping shores and lives across. If it weren’t for Gods like us, there would be slaughter of innocent lives for a moronic cause closely held by a small group of extremists, and there would be nations fighting for oil, and rich corporate exploiting the poor for generating wealth. There would be lunatic systems that will go stoop down so low to even strip a citizen’s right to watch a movie.

Oh, wait…