After all, I'm just God!

Hello people. Regardless of the fact that a faction of you on Earth think you are too intellectual to believe in me, I do exist. But here is my problem with being God- it’s terrible.

Where do I begin? I never had a normal and happy childhood. It all started when I learnt how to talk. I had to recite slokas that was, as Wikipedia puts it here, known for its brevity, depth and verbal complexity. Talk a look at this one for instance-

na nonanunno nunnono nānā nānānanā nanu ।
                          nunno'nunno nanunneno nānenā nunnanunnanut ॥

How can I possibly memorize complicated things like these when I’m just 2 days old? The lack of options forced me to do it anyway. And so, time passed by and along with the swollen tongue, I was further burdened with responsibilities that came in gargantuan amounts which served to be an impetus when I was learning how to walk. To make matters worse, the kids here at Indraloka are just too mean. Your own parents, brothers and sisters can act like complete douche bags sometimes. You can’t even fancy eating a ripe mango gifted by a music legend without embarking upon your arduous journey to complete a fatuous task such as gyrating the earth and in the end looking like an idiot to hear that your brother had circled your ‘parents’ and demonstrated an equivalency (how is that any fair, I don’t understand!). Anyway life went on and I grew up listening to real-life based stories about how our Godfather avatar-ed himself as ‘half lion- half man’ and used imaginative trickery to kill an immortal king, and how one calm chap fought an entire army to rescue his wife with the help of his angry brother, how God created Earth in just six days because he had infinite powers and rested on the seventh day because he was tired, and how a fierce looking lady with blood-painted tongue often showcased stupendous martial arts display that provided the inspirational fodder for the movie Kill Bill. All these stories taught us in understanding what is right, and what is wrong.

As I grew up, we had to take up lessons at school on how to face tough situations and slay down Satan and his throng of asuras. I tell you man, these asuras are very clever. You can see here how they have come up with atrocious and awe-inspiring ways to anguish people. Very creative, they are. So we were fiercely trained to deal with any tortuous circumstance that we could face in life. My final exam had a task where I had to travel to a virtually created forest and rescue virtually created people captured by asuras and rotting to death. So I began the test and I started my journey. I was invited to a dinner party on the way by the forest dwellers who were kind enough to dish up awesome food for me. I munched on it and gobbled the delicious ice-cream that they served in the end. But the forest dwellers turned out to be asuras themselves and the ice-cream that I’d eaten was one of the asuras who had transformed himself into well, ice cream. So he tore my stomach and came out putting me in ICU for one whole month. Exam Result: An epic fail. If at all I’d read this lesson carefully, I could’ve uncovered this as a deceit and avoided this mess.

When I had grown up to be mature, I started pondering about the meaning of life like many pretentious philosophers do on Earth. I also pondered about life of homo-sapiens, and asked my dad what is the whole point of letting people suffer when we have complete control over them. My dad replied, “Son, we can’t just interfere in someone else’s life. We have to give a chance for them to experience both good and bad and transform themselves into purer souls”. That was an absolute crap of a response. Seriously, what the hell dad?

The most painful part for me is to sit down on my throne and listen to people’s prayers. My holiness, how ridiculous they are! There are different types of prayers that I get. Some are very demanding like, “God, give me patience…like…RIGHT NOW!!’ and some are curtailed like this one- “God, please help me to finish everything I sa…” These are dull ones that numb me to death but the ones from the kids are the most interesting and they make my day. Here are some of the best that I've got till date-

"Dear God, thank You for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy."

                -Mukesh Ambani, as a 2 year old.

“Dear God, I heard the moon was made of Pizza. Tonight half of it is missing. Did you get hungry?"

                -Joey from Friends, yesterday! 

"Dear God, it must be super hard to love all the people in the world, especially my brother. I don't know how You do it."

                -Anil Ambani, as a 3 year old.

"Dear God, did you mean for Morgan Freeman to look like that or was it an accident?"

                -Every kid at various points of time.

Some people give me compliments:

"Dear God, I didn't think red pants went with orange shirt until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool."

                -Director of Thirupachi, before casting actor Vijay.

I always listen meticulously to prayers like these and answer them if necessary, but some of the prayers like, “God, help the Tamilians in Sri Lanka”, and “God, help the rapists get hanged” gets unnoticed since I get busy blessing people who sneeze. It’s not my fault, you know. I have to prioritize things.

Despite being God is a laborious undertaking, deep down inside, I feel empowered to do it. Deep down inside, I feel like taking control of people’s lives and nurture them. If it weren’t for Gods like us, there would be terrible things happening to dear Earth. There would be evil widespread in the form of terrorism, child labour, poverty, and sexual harassment. There would be unfairness that facilitates criminals walking scot-free and common men in thirst of justice. There would be natural disasters in the form of colossal ocean waves, sweeping shores and lives across. If it weren’t for Gods like us, there would be slaughter of innocent lives for a moronic cause closely held by a small group of extremists, and there would be nations fighting for oil, and rich corporate exploiting the poor for generating wealth. There would be lunatic systems that will go stoop down so low to even strip a citizen’s right to watch a movie.

Oh, wait…

From Here To Eternity

It was like a terrible hangover. My head was pounding up and down like Yasmeen Bleeth’s bosoms in Baywatch. I woke up and a strident voice told me that I was on my way to hell. It was hard to believe. While I was terrifyingly watching all the horrible pictures of demons with curved tails and pointed teeth, I was stopped by what looked like customs clearance department which had a banner ‘’And you thought going to school was a pain!’’ displayed on the top. A skeleton wearing a robe scrupulously skimmed over a hefty book for my name- page by page, which took around half a day. I was standing still the whole time and got quite convinced I was actually in Hell by then.  After finding my name in the list the skeleton exhibited a sigh of relief, coupled with a look of derision that featured smoldering blaze coming out of his nostrils. He then signaled the other skeleton wearing a black robe to frisk me for drugs or lethal weapons.

You see, it is a common belief that people are naked in Hell. But it is a myth. You retain the clothes that you last wore when you were on Earth. My commiserations for Arab people considering it is already hot and their cover-all-parts-of-body-with-clothes look outright dumb in here (unless they die while…you know!).  The humidity is the first thing you would notice after reaching here- It is effin’ hot! You were taking the pleasure of using phrases like ‘my ass is on fire’ so often in Earth that you literally feel it here. Seriously, you could sense the fire coming out of yours’ whose length and density is proportionate to the cumulative word length of all the abusive words that you’ve uttered in life. Mine went twelve miles long.

The food is surprisingly good in here. There is one disadvantage though. All are poisoned. Thank God the amount of poison in food doesn’t depend on the level of your affinity with abusive language (or sex addiction for that matter).  Just as in Earth, the most painful part in here is to stand in queues. It is not just a straight queue. You stand in line for hours, and then the line splits into two. It further bifurcates into two and joins the main queue again putting your peripatetic peregrination into an infinite regression. The telemarketers, inventory stock counters, and call center executives are exempt of this terrible activity since they’ve aced doing the same thing over and over again on Earth that they might probably expect a pecuniary reward for doing it again. The same applies to rap singers who create songs with same tunes and perform it till they go out of breath and die. These people are put in Serpent Inc (a company listed in Inferno Stock Exchange) where they are required to come up with innovative methods to torture people. Long hours, stressful job, and no time to enjoy the complementary venemous beer that they provide. No good, I tell you.

 Coming to the menial exertion that is inflicted upon you in a loop-format, it would all seem crazy at first. I tried to ask a demon about it once and ended up in a solitary room with endless videos of Lady Gaga songs. Trust me, it was much horrible. There is one thing you could do to avoid boredom while standing in the line though. There are stones available for you to throw at people. Make use of the stones but beware you need to pop out at least one person’s eye for every stone you pick. If you miss, the demons will confine you to that Lady Gaga room for one whole week. Personally, I’d never take a chance.

So after two weeks, I was out of this ordeal and times still produced an unbearable ennui. I decided to look out for a job. I had a lot of relatives in Hell so it was easy for me to utilize the connection and get a job with a demon named Adolf Toothpicker. The job description was to pluck people’s teeth. Well it was more of an internship so I ended up providing different sized spanner wrenches to Adolf while he performed the plucking flawlessly. Fellas, it will seem as a good job and at first it is all very interesting but you reach a stage when you think ‘’is this why I came to hell?’’ As soon as I reached that stage, I quit the internship but too bad there was a service level agreement that I’d broken so I was taken to the boss of all demons, allegedly called ‘the Satan’. He looked shorter than I’d imagined but he was certainly fierce. He stared at me for almost an hour and I kept avoiding his eyehole somehow in utter fear. Then I decided to play it cool and thought ‘Hey Satan, watsup?’ would be a perfect ice-breaker. It wasn’t. Never play it cool with Satan else you will be tormented in such atrocious ways that you will start forgetting the pain and start wondering about the awe-inspiring methods that they’ve come up with. Perhaps these are the output of Serpent Inc (good job they are doing, strongly a buy signal). After sometime you get tired of explaining you’ve already been castrated, the chainsaw is too big for your weenie, yours nostrils are too small for that big a nail even with that hammer. Finally they’d let you go if you skillfully perform a special kind of ‘job’ for the demons, the nature of which I am not allowed to say because those are trade secrets. I was so adroit that I was out in a month while it normally took twenty years for others. More importantly, I am in bliss that I’m out of Satan’s wrath and in the hands of demons with a much lesser degree of diabolism.

Okay people, I better get some rest now.  Tomorrow I’m applying for an internship at a construction company. It is rumored that a big wall is going to be built for crucifying people who have written ‘super like’ as comments in addition to ‘liking’ the status in Facebook. Fingers-crossed, I’m very excited. See you soon.

P.S. I heard people in Heaven don’t even have internet let alone BlogSpot or Twitter. #EpicFail. LOL at them for living life in a moral, ascetic way and end up like this.

P.P.S. I also heard it is a New Year day in two days on Earth. Good luck with things people. *goes to sleep on a boiling pan*

The Bar Economics

Few months back, I wrote a post 'GI vs Joe' and labelled it 'Rational Irrationality',where the belief 'experts are always better than the average minds' was scrutinized. Precisely, we saw three things - 1) this belief is not true in real world, 2) why many are smarter than the few, and 3) how making decisions that involve large group of people, taking independency, diversity, and decentralization into consideration, most likely go right. The fact that the post was lengthy, referring to terminologies that were pedantic (which I couldn't comprehend either) had left my friends and readers disapponited. And asking did you understand it to my close friend became a life threatning situation considering the manner he showcased the sweet half part of the victory symbol to me when in fact I was expecting a full one. The other fatso friend of mine, while reading it, slowly digressed away to day dreaming about being slim which was soon interrupted by the sound of his own munching. So this time I'm cautious enough to demonstrate it with a bar story for the fact that, well, everyone likes a bar story!

Mustering enough confidence that I won't face such insult from my friends like last time, I'm getting into the crux of the post now. One fine morning of a seemingly ordinary day, after the daily fills of Lolcats, 'Forward this to 15 people or you will die', and a generous gift of $500,000,000,000,000,000 from a Nigerian princess in exchange of helping her to transfer funds, my gmail inbox had an interesting story. It is probably the only forward e-mail that I've read in my life. So here it goes...

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid the bill the way we paid our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay $1.

The sixth would pay $3.

The seventh would pay $7.

The eighth would pay $12.

The ninth would pay $18.

The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that’s what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. He said, “Since you are all such good customers, I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.”

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes, so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men — the paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his “fair share”? They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from every body’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay!

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).

The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free.

But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,’ exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I!”

“That’s true!!”shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only $2 ? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

This, exactly, is the reason why taxing the rich is not the optimal solution. Just as seen in this post, the rich corporate businesses (like the tenth man) will relocate in a business friendly environment thereby causing the economy to further extenuate. Job losses will be inevitable and the poor, middle class, and soon to be rich (like the other nine men) will be left with nothing at all. The next time you start castigating the government for not taxing the rich, think about this bar story. Let us all accept the fact that we wanted capitalism and so we have to bear getting the taste of our own medicine at some point. As much as I'm tempted to relate this to Karl Marx's philosophy and mind numbing economic theories, I'm conscious that I want the other part of victory symbol from the readers as well, and thus bid adeu with this.

Cheers,
G'tam.