Stairway to Recovery

Decades have passed, ages have passed, but the quest for Jack Daniels by mankind has remained refreshingly the same. Wine is a bottled poetry, they say, and man has seemed to embrace this tightly. However, a la Isaac Newton(see here)/Justin Timberlake(see here), what goes around comes back around. Hangovers have seemed to determinedly plagued mankind ever since the advent of the alcohol.You have a shot, you have nothing the other day. You have a few shots, you have a slight headache the other day. You have a deluge of shots with a  feeling that you have drank the whole bar, you wake up in your vomit (hoping that is yours!) the other day. You see, the extent of repentance is always proportionate to the amount of shots indicating that the law of diminishing effects does not apply when it comes to alcohol consumption.

Given that medical professionals have tried to come up with a cure for hangover for centuries but in vain, it is ironic that I - a person who is remotely connected with medicine - have finally discovered the cure throwing these losers into disarray. So here we go...

The best and most obvious way to avoid a hangover is not to drink at all, but who am I kidding? Let us kick that option away.

When you wake up feeling unpleasant after a night of revelry, the most important thing to remember is that God is punishing you for having fun. In order to cure your hangover, you must therefore attend Church as quickly as possible. During the service, pray for hydration. When the collection plate is passed, remove some bucks and use it to purchase a couple of aspirin.

On your way home from Church, stop at the grocery store and buy all the leafy vegetables you can carry. Then quickly affix them to your head. Laughter is a type of medicine, so try hard to laugh at yourself. This shouldn't be difficult, because you're wearing a hat made of salad. Seriously, look in the mirror. You look like an asshole.

Time to go jogging. Studies show that exercise generates powerful endorphins, diminishing feelings of weakness and nausea and replacing them with similar but subtly higher-quality feelings of weakness and nausea. While you are running, think about the reasons you got so drunk last night. Your life's pretty messed up, isn't it? Yes. Run faster.

Finally, look back all that you have done. You are now a thief, nuts in the mind and your whole life is messed up. Hangover is hardly a problem now. Take the aspirins and go to sleep. If you still have a hangover the next day, don't worry I have got a cure for that as well and I will let you know when the time comes.

Cheers.

By nature people will like...

Great men quote things. It reflects their experiences in life. When Robin Williams said ''God gave men one brain and one penis but sadly enough blood to run only one at a time'', we knew he shagged bitches and transgender hustlers. We knew that for sure because it was from his experience. While I've come across thousands of quotes in my life, one particular quote has intrigued me to the deepest pacific core. I started ruminating if anyone else had quoted on the same subject better than this astute genius who did first. And the answer I found was- none. Yes, no one ever said it better than Osama Bin Laden when he said...

''When people see a strong horse and a weak horse, by nature they will like the strong horse''

Let me break this down to you alright. When people (by people, I mean men) look to have pointless shagging after heading a bar and they see a bitchy minge, it is rare that they think 'Hey that is great!'. But when they see a jilted chick who just wants the same they're, like,  ''Awesome that is so great!!'. And yet they both are women. By nature, men are drawn towards hot chicks.

Let's say you see a kitten. Fine, make it two kittens. One is nimble, fast and cute. The other one is dead. My experience is that people, by people I mean children, by nature go for the live kitten. They see strength in live kitten. And also, who wants a dead kitten?

Imagine, if you will, a great collection of Bollywood movies DVDs in front of you. All smash hits that are said to knock your socks off completely. In each, as you are told, one can see great passion, color and romance. Now imagine, next to those, a dead kitten. Which one would you choose? Personally, I'd choose the dead kitten!

When people- and by people I mean people like me, hear 'Big bang', they often think, Is that the show on NBC? But it is actually not. It is the cosmological theory that the show has borrowed the name from. Imagine you are a sitcom fan and purchase a Big bang DVD from a shop only to watch a drawn-out and lackluster documentary from BBC. You feel like an asshole right? I don't know why I'm telling you an  incident that is extraneous to the topic but it is really sad I didn't get my money back.

Let me tell you something about human nature. If people are given a choice between a nice roasted sandwich with pesto mayonnaise on warm pita bread and having to define the word ''rheostat'', the vast majority will go for the sandwich every time.

Try this one the next time you're in a meeting or a conference and there is a lull in the conversation. ''A neutron walks into a bar and says, ''how much for the drink?'' and the waiter replies ''For you, no charge!''. By nature, people will laugh. But not because it is funny. Because they feel sorry for you.

So I guess my point is that, as Mark Twain said, ''It is always better to keep our mouth shut and let others think we are fools rather than opening it and removing all the doubts.'' Now that is one hell of a quote Osama dumbass Laden...!!!

P.S I wanted to write this when he was alive but you know......I didn't want to die!!

Truly Immortal

It is amazing isn’t it? How one piece of music, a few words and a few chords, and an idea can change a life? It just fits, doesn’t it? The song is actually singing your life.

One such song is ‘My Immortal’ by Evanascence.

                                            

Shakespeare once famously said, ‘’It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all’’. Sometimes, I wonder if he had it right.

I’m so tired of being here | suppressed by all my childish fears | and if you have to leave | I wish that you would just leave | coz your presence still lingers here | and it won’t leave me alone.

You’re at the end of relationship and you don’t know where to go from here. Everything reminds you of them – that shirt, that empty glass. All the scenes from the movies come to your mind. Suddenly you find ‘’the closed lid cereal box reminding Jason Segal of Sarah Marshall’’ act utterly sensible, although his nudity in the movie had haunted you for days. You are just nowhere to go- although, so desperate to move on.

These wounds won't seem to heal | this pain is just too real | There's just too much that time cannot erase

Time is a healer, they say. Well, time is more of a band-aid, should I say. It will just hide the wound until something opens it up. Time might take you on a trip to Hawaii to get over things. Time might make you temporarily realise you now have nothing to lose, and are on your own completely. Time can do incredible things; Ineffable things. But one small prick and you start bleeding all over again. ‘Coz the wound doesn’t ever heal.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone | But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

There is always a bone of contention between the mind and the heart at these times. The mind will not accept what the heart knows. No matter how much you tell yourselves that it is over and that it was for the best, it doesn't really erase the pain.

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears | When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears | And I held your hand through all of these years | But you still have all of me.

These lines are incredibly painful for the fact that they beat the time that brought you incredible things in the short term and takes you back into the past. Those moments when you held hands together, cried together, laughed together, come crashing right into your mind; the mind that is still in contention with your heart.  You try to jab those memories into pieces but they remain as an Eternal Sunshine of your Spotless Mind- the Sunshine that gives you pain and nothing else; a cloud of sorrowness in your life and nothing else; grief and nothing else. You beg for Time to let you move forward only to realise time can’t just heal certain things.

Now you know you are lost- In the dark.